Relationship

I have been "seeing" this guy for the past two months (honestly, I can't believe it has been that long). He is a sweetheart. He calls me everyday. Tells me he loves me (yeah, that quick) and reminds me of how sexy I am. And during the week he swings by to visit, usually late at night (hence the "parttime lover" reference in my previous entry) just to be in my presence. Sex is amazing. We kiss for what seems like hours and the foreplay is great. And I haven't "had" (excuse the crassness) anyone that has last as long as he does, but outside of the bedroom I am not satisfied.

He works six days a week and almost 16 hours per shift - he's a chef. He calls me on his breaks, meaning we can't have a meaningful conversation and if I am at work even less of a hello can be said before I have to get back to "picking cotton". Can you begin to understand my frustration?
By the time we see each other at night it is 12:30am and I am yawning and ready to turn over and sleep. He gets here and he is exhausted and I am barely following what little conversation we are having.

He says that he is in love with me but I don't know how he could have gotten that far ahead of me. I am clocking the same amount of time with him as he does with me so how did he get to loving me without me? He just loves me - the whole me and for the most part I can't honestly believe him cause he doesn't know the whole me, some of my recent discoveries about myself are still suprising me. I care about him. If he was hurt I would be concerned and would go to his side, but then on the totem pole of important men in my bottom his is so low that sometimes I have to look for his ass. Harsh but true.

We are not in a relationship. This can't be it. I don't think waiting for a four second phone call at night so that I know he is alive qualifies as a relationship. I know that the physical is just that but this is almost a glorified booty call and for the sake of not insulting him or hurting his feelings I have opted not to say these things to him... again.

Sometimes I think that I am being overly critical but in reality this situation is not going to get any better. He is in a job that demands most of his time and I am not certain that I am willing to wait until he is able to get a more relationship friendly job.

I am not even working on the relationship it feels like I am working on getting into a relationship.

POSITION OPEN

I was in my bedroom awaiting my midnight caller. That is what my love life has been reduced to. A man that does not have time for me but his career takes center stage and all others must fall into the shadow. I have become the cheerleader again, the uniform still fits and I know all the moves like second nature. “You can do it baby, find that job you love, get that money, go the distance. I will be here when you get home.” I have started out in this relationship tired. Weary already of all the effort it takes to smile for the player and rally the fans. I was never a really good cheerleader, I am the coach, the person that pushes from the sidelines but isn’t really a part of the game.

He made a comment yesterday about sculpting a mermaid out of watermelon. I agree this would have been more romantic if it were an ice sculpture, but you take what you can get. He continued by saying that some of his co-worker/underlings critiqued his work, by saying that his mermaid’s breasts were too large, and she was not wearing a bra, I was not surprised that my mounds had transcended to food but it was the typical direction that most men take. I know they are large, I was born this way and for 24 years (or since puberty at 9 years old) I have been very aware of their size. There are women out here that would give up their paychecks for the kind of cleavage that I am able to sport but breast size does not matter to me. I mean, once you have time they become overrated. Anyway, his sideways compliment was not what I was looking for and frankly I kind of wish did not verbalize them in the first place.

My part time lover status has me thinking that this is not the man for me and that I should move on with the other man meat and man meat bi-products that are on the market. I don’t want this gushy lovey dovey type relationship, where he does all the things that you read about in cheesy romance novels but a real person that talks and argues about stupid stuff, someone where I can reference real comments made rather than the implications of actions that I am not certain I fully comprehend.

We are not in love. Or at least I am not. There is nothing there, to speak of, that I can fall in love with. There are no meaningful conversations. He does not ask me about myself. My questions to him about himself are always avoided. I am a journalist at heart and this kind of avoidance only raises more questions.

I don’t know how I managed to welcome this kind of person into my life. I mean, a stray dog that I thought was cute I welcomed. Now the mutt won’t leave.

There are too many questions that I just have that remain unanswered. I deserve better than this guessing game. He has secrets, and it is as though every day I have to try to figure out what the code is for deciphering combination to his secret’s safe. It is too much. Why can’t he just be up front with me. I can’t deal, and there is a position open again.

I came home today and a friend who had read the rough draft of this letter thought it was funny and interesting enough for him to call up one of his “cousins” (can you see the problem here already) and try to hook us up. I don’t think I want to know the “cousin” just yet. I think it is a desperate situation when your friends have to call relatives to get you out on a date. Shameless. I wasn’t even embarrassed that he had read my thoughts. He could see where I was going and I was not surprised that he had something more to offer – to “fix my problem”. What is my problem exactly? I am in an unfulfilling relationship with a man I barely know. I would rather sit alone at home in front of the television than endure a conversation that drags on into infinity. The sex is good but is it really that good. I mean, what are we comparing it to. It is better than those before but “making love” when there is no love does not make any sense to me. It is just “slow sex”. Let’s be honest. We are to meet on Saturday, at least he has his weekends off.

But what to tell Jah?
“Sorry, we reviewed you application and have found a more suitable candidate for the position.”