FRESH FRUIT

A new way to categorize the men in your life!
Brothers, and by that I mean all men, it really does not matter what your creed, color or class is, all men fall into some kind of category but for my purpose and according to a current theory that I have been developing over the past few weeks, I will categorized them as we would food at the supermarket.

Let’s pretend that we are in the produce section of the supermarket, unlike the meats and poultry section or the aisle with the bread and pastries, it is here we can get a real “feel” for the products that we are going to take home with us and if you are really naughty or an outright thief you can sample while you select the ones that you are going to take home to mama.

There are 8 categories, and although we are all looking for the one good man, there is no one right category for women. Depending on your tastes you can find yourself sampling out of three or four categories and finding the experience satisfying. But first you must know what you are looking for and as an experienced guide I have made it my duty to define each category as well as identify some tips that will help you navigate the “Produce” section of the dating “supermarket”.

1. Old/Mature Fruit


2. Fresh Fruit


3. Bad Fruit


4. Inedible Fruit


5. Canned Fruit/Pickled Fruit


6. Over Ripe Fruit


7. Under Developed Fruit


8. Forbidden Fruit

I know and understand fully that you selection can also be limited by the area that you supermarket is located in, and the store that is carrying the precious produce, but for right now we will over look that. Another entry, another time.

Old/Mature Fruit
There are two categories under this heading. There are the fruit that look old and have clearly been on the shelf for a long time and there are those that have defied time and look as good as they did when they were first shelved.

The trick to picking the best of this lot is knowing what to look for. It is like picking out the best cantaloupe. Do you knock it, roll it, pinch it, squeeze it, or shake it? What are the rules to picking out the best man fruit? No one wants to take home a piece of fruit that has seen its day in the sun literally and lived to tell about it. Wrinkled, dried, softened (liquid) fruit are not your best choice. You want someone that has aged with dignity. He has maintained his firmness in all the right areas and has aged gently. Yes, it is true he may have been handled by a lot of other shopper and maybe he has been taken home a few times, committed a few times, but there is nothing like the taste of a raisin and much like fresh fruit that are not as sweet as you first assumed there are many things you can do to liven up your old fruit. That is why God made Viagra!

Fresh Fruit

Just because that is what the sign says does not mean that is what it truly is. Fresh does not mean ripe, it only implies that the fruit was recently harvested and depending on the individual, recently can mean a whole lot of things.

In terms of men, fresh is the brother that looks like a newly minted penny. He is fine, crisp, all his gear in the right order, right size and even if he needs to shave, a 5 o’clock shadow never looked so good on a man. He is the type that makes you smile in your sleep and if you are one of the unfortunate few that work with him or must sit next to his entirely too edible ass in class you have to mind your manners all day and avert your eyes when he addresses you directly, remember what you mother said about staring directly into the sun.

But there are those who qualify under the fresh fruit title that are not all that appealing visually. They are the ones you buy because they have potential. They are slightly dinged or dented, but smell good and are sure to taste good and you reason “they are fresh, where can I go wrong!”

Beware ladies, fresh does not equal ripe, he, whether sexy, cute, cuddly or adorable, may not be ready to be picked up of the shelf. He might be sitting proudly ahead of the pack but might be to far ahead of himself for you to devote any more time than the nonchalant squeeze and roll between your palms.

But for those of you that are more adventurous and your recipe calls for fresh fruit, then by all means take him home. Slice, dice and sauté his ass and serve him up with ice cream or in a salad (some of us like to mix it up).

Bad/Rotten Fruit
Sometimes it is clear from the skin that there is something wrong with this brother. He is the one that calls his mother for everything, usurping your place as his woman and insists on talking over you to make his point. He is the one with the long line of bitter women behind him all too eager to share their sorted tales of his no-good ass and all sporting one or two babies by him.

But there are others that you don’t realize are bad until you commit and take them home, and you have readied yourself for what looked like a good piece of fruit only to find yourself with a putrid piece of rotten pulp in your mouth.

He is the man of your dreams that you try to convert when his “bad” habits come to light. The abusive brother, the addicted ones and the men committed to the game and not to you.

There is only one choice and although you have invested your time and energy, the sooner you realize that you have made a poor choice and take the necessary steps to correct your error, secure a new bank account and cell phone number feel free to take your leave and if you are up to it, run back to the supermarket and try your hand again, or maybe try a whole different kind of fruit.

Inedible Fruit
It is the type of man that you have allergic reactions to. You know…aint-got-no-job, or still-living-at-home types. Like that name says they are not for consumption so why hang around to hear the story?

Canned Fruit/Pickled Fruit
This is the type of fruit that have evolved past his original purpose in life. He is the type of brother that goes beyond the produce aisle and had manufactured a whole new level. Under this category there are two possibilities:

New and Improved
Remember when you had to have a can opener to get into one of these suckers. This brother has a pop top lid and comes in a variety of sizes and assortments designed to suit your tastes. But for all of the new fangled attachments, he is all you could have hoped for and more. He adds variety to our diet but there is confusion and this is where our subdivision must divide again.

Tropical Fruit Mix – He has got a bit of everything to suit your taste but in all of the mix you are all mixed up as to what his true nature is. Are you looking at a piece of cantaloupe or banana? Unfortunately there is no message in the label that will help you out with this one; you will only know when you try it. Is he gay, bi or straight? The brother can dress, dance and is up on all the latest news, gossip and facts and he has a job and all his teeth. He seems to be interested in you. He pays for your drinks and holds your hand. But when “Paul” comes around there is a little more talking and laughter there than you would like to see two grown men share. To ask him outright will make you look ridiculous, you have been dancing with him all night and he is so attentive to just you.

When it all boils down to it you have to delve right in and taste the dame fruit, pray for banana!

Pears - He is new fangled but he is what you see, straight, but you won’t find out till later that he appeals to the more masculine tastes too. Maybe in three months when you are taking that ever so sweet romp in the sack and he asks you to try something new. Again just stick with the bananas!

Dried/Sweetened
He is the one with the extra sugar, syrup, the one that you have to add to your cart because he is convenient. He has help in all the right departments and is easily a favorite treat. He has a nice car, nice smile, and a pleasant personality. No surprises in this one but also no excitement.

Although this kind of brother can be a compilation of many other categories of fruit there is a definite win/win clause to his existence. He is the career oriented brother; he is focused and smart but might be too driven. He has become super fruit but might loose his identity in the process. Ever open a can of peaches and ponder to yourself, “It kind of tastes like peaches but not”, or pineapples.

There are fruit that were never meant to be canned or preserved. How about mangos or guavas? So even here the road gets rocky ladies.

Over Ripe Fruit
The brothers that grew up way too fast. They were over-sexed at an early age and have fed into the pimp and/or thug life image so thoroughly they can’t see women as anything more than objects. As the term implies they are young and don’t know any better but you will find older men that fall in the same category. They are the ones that are convinced that they’ve got what you “need”. They have convinced themselves and those around them that they are grown-ass men, they provide for their families even if it means hustling or overlooks the fact that their families are several very single mothers with children that they have been compelled to by court order to support.

Under Developed Fruit
He is that brother that got tossed in the dating game by some horrific twist of fate. He is unprepared and hopeless. He would be better off if he called early retirement and lived out the rest of his days as a hermit. He is the guy at the club with no finesse. The same one that cock-block for the whole night. You know the one. He rolls up on you early in the evening, and zeros in one of your girlfriends and talks her to death. When she finally convinces him that she does not want to dance he moves over to the next girlfriend oblivious to the fact that we have all overheard the conversation and have collectively said “no” to any physical contact with him for the rest of the night. Women are like the Borg, “resistance is futile” and we all know what the hell is up way before you cross the dance floor to compliment us on our unique look or great smile.

He is the brother that always ends up driving a minivan to work, because it is practical. He has one of those desk jobs and stares at data all day. He has been arrested once, maybe and will seek any opportunity to regale you with epic tales from the wonderful and exciting world of Data Processing.

So put the fruit back, matter of fact I should slap you for having reached for it. He is under-developed, there is no way you can get him back to the tree to ripe, not even a brown paper bag can save this soul.

But for those of you glutton for punishment maybe he can be molded into something. Maybe you can pickle his ass and have it with a Philly cheese steak; Lord knows you are going to need some real meat to get with this one.

Forbidden Fruit
I know Eve wishes she never fancied this one. I am talking about the brother that is currently involved with a less than worthy sister (or at least that is what you have been telling yourself). He is the kind that is off the shelf and in someone else’s cart. There are tons of ways you can rationalize stealing him away from her but you know in your heart that it is wrong. That woman worked hard selecting her fruit. If you are willing to shell out a little extra cash to get him in your fruit basket than I guess you can live with that. But if he is ready to left for the highest bidder what makes you think you are the only one at the auction. Leave the forbidden fruit alone.

I know there are worlds of categories out there for men, but just to help you navigate our world it would be nice to teach you the lingo. We will refer to our selection in the fruit category from time to time, but for now it is just a theory and needs some more work. Feel free to add.